Unworthiness is such a lie

Retiro Frau mit Zeitung und Buch

 

Unworthiness is such a lie

Instilled in us since the beginning of time –

or almost.

 

From generation to generation

it has been transmitted

generously and in big abundance.

Such is the true flaw of the world.

 

What if unworthiness makes the world go round

not money?

 

For it makes people deny their values

and helps them to forget about their dreams.

It loves to inspire the lowest thoughts and deeds

and feeds on sorrow, poverty and need.

 

Unworthiness makes us slaves and victims,

who would indulge in the fanciest ideas to hide the lie.

 

No importance what the relief might be –

the more outrageous is the better;

you may choose an exploding jacket

or sell your soul for jewelry. 

 

Unworthiness makes the world go round and round

but in truth:

 

We are selling our souls to the cheapest devil –

a thing made from black stinking smoke.

If we blow it up – nothing remains

just a vague memory of a less fortunate time.

 

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Paying and Paying still

Retiro pregnant girl

Paying and paying still 

for years lived in fear and obsession.

 

Paying even in advance 

for a past, present and future loss

which will never stop to be lost

never stop to be regretted.

 

Again and again I give myself 

many reasons and excuses 

which are soothing my heart for a moment

but not for long.

 

How could you even formulate the words:

“You always did what you wanted anyway!”

This was the deadly blow to my phantasy.

I am glad you did it: I am free!

Excavating

Wall Garden  Monte Sant'angelo2

How does one excavate the words form the soul?

How does one excavate the soul from the words?

How does one reach deep down into the muddy substance of being

to extract the beautiful flower which is promised to grow from there?

 

Plunge your hands into the bloody flesh

like a surgeon operating on the heart

but take the gloves off

and feel 

how life is pulsating under your fingers,

how vulnerable all this humanness is.

 

Do you know what you are doing –

or are you just pretending?

After having beaten

Neptunbrunnen 1

After having battered the cushion to death

and cried over lost loves,

lost lives and lost respect…

 

After having danced and shaken

and thrashed old ghosts 

out of her own thighs…

 

After having fantasized 

about surrendering her body and soul

to a lost lover

to mark a new beginning 

of her female identity…

 

The rain fell first in a tingling whisper

then in a demanding cry

“Come! and feel!”

and she did.