Unworthiness is such a lie

Retiro Frau mit Zeitung und Buch

 

Unworthiness is such a lie

Instilled in us since the beginning of time –

or almost.

 

From generation to generation

it has been transmitted

generously and in big abundance.

Such is the true flaw of the world.

 

What if unworthiness makes the world go round

not money?

 

For it makes people deny their values

and helps them to forget about their dreams.

It loves to inspire the lowest thoughts and deeds

and feeds on sorrow, poverty and need.

 

Unworthiness makes us slaves and victims,

who would indulge in the fanciest ideas to hide the lie.

 

No importance what the relief might be –

the more outrageous is the better;

you may choose an exploding jacket

or sell your soul for jewelry. 

 

Unworthiness makes the world go round and round

but in truth:

 

We are selling our souls to the cheapest devil –

a thing made from black stinking smoke.

If we blow it up – nothing remains

just a vague memory of a less fortunate time.

 

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Feeling victimish today

Wilderness1

Feeling victimish today..

what a strong weak feeling

is taking over my whole body and mind!

I want to faint and forget it all..

What is all? All!!!

 

Feeling victimish today..

I know the degrading sensation.

where hate and revenge and anger and sadness

are birthed from.

 

Feeling victimish today.. 

escape does not help.

I could go down on my knees

to become a crouching worm 

but I don’t.

 

Feeling victimish today..

the truth is somewhere else.

I am taking on that impoverished role..

to cry over poor old ME.

 

Quelle bêtise!

Paying and Paying still

Retiro pregnant girl

Paying and paying still 

for years lived in fear and obsession.

 

Paying even in advance 

for a past, present and future loss

which will never stop to be lost

never stop to be regretted.

 

Again and again I give myself 

many reasons and excuses 

which are soothing my heart for a moment

but not for long.

 

How could you even formulate the words:

“You always did what you wanted anyway!”

This was the deadly blow to my phantasy.

I am glad you did it: I am free!

Body and Soul hammered

Video picture 2

Body and soul hammered with loneliness,

shaking in anger and sadness

about lost years of intimate connection.

 

I could rip you to pieces

and throw you to the roaring lion

of our hungry madness.

 

How could I ever want you?

How could I ever despair for you?

What did I do in a pose of submission?

 

I killed my most precious desire

only to stay with you

and our unworthy selfishness.

Excavating

Wall Garden  Monte Sant'angelo2

How does one excavate the words form the soul?

How does one excavate the soul from the words?

How does one reach deep down into the muddy substance of being

to extract the beautiful flower which is promised to grow from there?

 

Plunge your hands into the bloody flesh

like a surgeon operating on the heart

but take the gloves off

and feel 

how life is pulsating under your fingers,

how vulnerable all this humanness is.

 

Do you know what you are doing –

or are you just pretending?

This late Sunday Morning

Santo Stefano di Sessanio Bracing 2

This late Sunday Morning the sun is standing high, 

My body is heated and almost uncomfortably expanding under the powerful light.

From time to time clouds are bringing cool relief..

I let the sun be part of my revealing process

“Come and melt away the ice crystals locked in my cells since the beginning of time !”

 

There is no going back anymore –

the melting process has begun 

and I don’t know how long it will take and if it will ever be finished.

Probably not. I don’t care.

Every one new liberated cell is a new breath of life.